A friend forwarded this "Dear Carolyn" to me and I thought the response hit the nail on the head. I especially liked the part where she explains that it takes 3x's as long to do something as a mother than it does a normal person. It may not be that we have more to do than others, it just takes a bit longer with kids in tow. I agree, also, that if I have a few moments of free time, they are valuable and are doled out carefully. I thought all you other mothers may appreciate this if you haven't seen it already. And I wish there was a little more "relax and enjoy" as the writer puts it.Carolyn:
My best friend has a child. Her: Exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .
OK. I've done Internet searches; I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please, no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners. . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them every day. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day, and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail?
I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events), and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy — not a bad thing at all — but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth?
Is this a contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids, and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
— Tacoma, Wash.
● Tacoma:
Relax and enjoy. You're funny.
Or you're lying about having friends with kids.
Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?
I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand — while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom friends are either lying or competing with you — is disingenuous indeed.
So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries and questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family members and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting the constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.
It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity, empathy. Everything.
It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy — and then when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, you wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend — a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends or marvel at how much more productively she uses her time.
Either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself.
7 comments:
Amen... I felt a bit the same way at early in life until I had a child.. I tired to understand before and now I do!
Tracy, I'm so glad that you admitted that you felt that way before you had a child, because I'm a little ashamed to admit (and post) that I have had thoughts similar to these before about women with children. Not so much stay at home moms of multiple children, but mostly women who just have one child at home.
And to Sara & Tracy or anyone who cares, for some reason, I have come across people who have a hard time believing (and remembering) that I have a full-time job. I feel that most people don't want to talk to me about what I do for a living and don't even bother to ask, I guess because they don't feel it's important because "one day I'll stay at home".
I have had people who call me during working hours and want me to do something during the day when I've told them before that I work full-time and can't answer my cell phone and don't have the flexibility to take long lunches.
Sometimes I fantasize about staying at home and glamorize it thinking that at least I will be the boss then. I will call the shots and I will be able to go to the grocery store during the day or go to the bank.
But then I try to remind myself that it most likely won't be true. The children will be the real bosses, won't they?
So for right now, I'm trying really hard not to become irritated when a stay at home friend or family member complains about their children and not having any time for themselves or doesn't call me back when I think they should. One day (hopefully) I'll understand first hand.
Well, for some reason these type of discussions always turn into a contest. Whether you stay at home or work full-time (in addition to mothering) it's a crazy amount of work and stress. But, either way I'd take it anyday over not having children (either by choice or not)! My children add more to my life than I can describe - and that's something all moms can agree on.
PS that letter writer should be glad they wrote to Carolyn and not me, I may have hunted them down and dropped my kids off for a day!
I love Carolyn's reply. Mostly because she uses the word snit. Ashley, I've been there myself, both while working and staying home WITHOUT kids. You get flack either way. That's why I'm so adamant that you don't judge a mom who works, has no kids, has kids and works or has kids and doesn't work. Everything, for an industrious woman, is work.
Loved this lady's response even though I got kind of out of breath reading it. It's so funny because I JUST got done apologizing to my mother-in-law a few days ago for not calling her more often just to tell her what little things the kids are up too. Grandmas like that kind of stuff. My exact words to her were, "I don't know what I do all day, but before I know it, the day is done and the last thing I really want to do at night is gab on the phone." Sometimes, and this is so awful, I tell my children just to be quiet for x amount of time just so I can hear myself think. I keep thinking one day they will begin to appreciate periods of silence - but not yet I guess. From sun-up to sun-down and even in my dreams, my mind is always racing with the next task, next project, next-whatever, and it almost always has to do with my kids in some shape or form. I never saw myself working after I had kids, and having a husband in law school and two kids in less than two years still hasn't changed my mind about that, even though some days I recall my hectic, stressful days of teaching high school with a touch of longing. But just a touch, and then just for a moment. I realize not all women feel that way. I'm simply not willing to miss anything with my kids that I don't have too, even if it means I don't have as much time for friends or hobbies. Hopefully my single friends, or even married friends will understand...isn't that how all moms feel?
AMEN!! I would rather use the list form for what I do all day. I get a little lost sometimes with all the over whelming things that I have to do all day long. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being just me without a husband and kids in tow, but what fun would that be?!?! Wife and mother are great. It's a built in joy ride. Sure we are busy and wish we could get paid that $200K salary that every says stay-at-home mom's should get every year for all the jobs we do. It's hard to know what life is like on this side of the bridge when you are not on it or in the middle of it!
I love my kids and family!!
I second Cheyenne's comment about the word snit. I really like that word. I also agree with you about how it takes someone with kids longer to do things. I often wonder if I could manage dinner in under 30 minutes if I weren't literally hobbling around the kitchen with a screaming child hanging off of my pants leg. But that screaming child loves me like nobody else and so I love my life.
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